Archive for July 2014

Contemplating spiritual suicide

July 12, 2014

Years ago good friends brought me to a hear Jenny Lewis play in Dublin. Maybe it was just my mood on the night, (I prefer to think of it as her talent as a musician and songwriter) but her performance drew me into a deep place. It is one of my most memorable gigs for all the right reasons. As she sang ‘acid tongue’ one line in the song almost made me cry with the kind of spontaneous outburst more associated with laughter. “Now, I am tired. It just made me tired.” She didn’t just sing these words, she confessed them. And her honesty pierced through my own bullshitting for a moment.

I sat in a coffee shop yesterday alone for the first time in over a year. And that gig, that moment, those words flooded into my memory. I was reading words from Matthew (as well as Malcolm Orange) and it was a lot of “finish the race, stand firm to the end, fight the fight” kind of stuff and I felt that similar surge threatening to burst forth from my eyes and all I could think was ‘but I am tired. Too fuc*ing tired”. I imagined myself in a kind of spiritual suicide in which I a runner in the Christian race just sat down for a bit in the middle of the track. I imaged myself too tired for this standing firm and keeping going kind of business. I imagined myself laying back, closing my eyes and floating away in this spiritual realm of which I am a part. “Go on ahead without me” I yelled to you all as you passed by, “I can’t be arsed anymore”.

I indulged my daydream imaginings for a few moments wondering what it would be like to have a bit of a sit down in the God battle and at the same time began to reflect on the God who also beckons me to ‘come to the waters’ (a line which is heard in espero’s voice in my head). And today I am trying to make sense of these seemingly contradictory commands and part of me when I lean into the words about rest and Gods strength feels like standing up again and running to catch you all up in this very long race.

http:// Acid Tongue – Jenny Lewis: http://youtu.be/XajpuQliptc

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