Envy

Last year I wrote 15000 words on this four letter word. Unfortunately it made me no less prone to feeling envy. It’s a bastard of a thing envy. We don’t like to admit it. We switch it for jealousy because jealousy is a bit more acceptable. But envy and jealousy are not the same. Jealousy is more of a ‘I wish it were me’ kind of thing, envy is more of a ‘I wish it wasn’t you’ kind of thing. Jealousy is more ‘I wish I could have what she has’, envy is more ‘I wish I had it INSTEAD of her’, or just ‘I wish she didn’t have it’. Envy is bitchy.

I saw a flash of envy in myself this week. That’s how it is, it flashes.  Kind of sneaky. I am troubled by this flash of envy that snuck up on me this week.  Instead of feeling joy for a friend at their good news I felt envy.  It wasn’t jealousy. Their news was of something I already have. It was envy. I didn’t want them to have it too.  I felt threat. I felt competition.

They say jealousy implies at least some sort of love for the ‘object’. But not with envy. There is no redeeming feature about envy. It is just rotten to its core. It seeks to destroy and tear down. It is the opposite of love. It treads upon the other. It does not rejoice in or lift up the other.

I hate that I felt this way. I hate that this was my instinctual reaction. I hate that I’m not a better person than this.

The desire to be admired, to stand out, to have position, to have power… The fear of getting lost, of disappearing, of insignificance. These are the kind of things that arouse envy in me instead of love. 

*heads off to work on her shit some more.

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5 Comments on “Envy”

  1. wee frizz Says:

    I don’t think I’m usually honest enough to even recognise this in myself… As you say, we like to call it something different, or ignore the flash as it comes and go.

    Thanks for paying attention to your flashes (!) and leading the way with your honesty…

  2. PatrickM Says:

    Two posts on envy on my RSS feed in one week … wonder what you think of what this guy’s saying on the same theme

  3. transfarmer Says:

    Can you send me the link Patrick?


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