me to you, you to me?…

me: “why do you think people who have already lived together for a long time still choose to get married?”

Friend: “because it brings a sense of security…”

Being 2.75 months away from walking down the aisle I am thoughtful about all things marriage.  During the above conversation the answers in our discussion were predictable but it got me thinking.  Why is it that couples feel more secure by getting married?  I’m guessing that almost always its because of how it makes them feel to have someone make promises to them that are permanent.  I feel safe because of the words and actions of my husband.  Because HE has promised to love ME for the rest of our lives I can relax.  We feel safe and free and secure all at the same time.  But I wonder if we’re thinking the wrong way round?  Its not that these things aren’t true and beautiful and good… but should that really be what we hope in?  What if my security and confidence shouldn’t be based on someone else’s commitment to ME but rather should be based on MY commitment to THEM?

Should I not be confident that our marriage will last not primarily because of what has been promised to me but primarily because of what has been promised by me.  I of course am not saying that I am any less likely to fuck it up than my husband to be, but I can be confident because of God’s spirit and grace at work in me.  I can only be responsible and in control of how I love the other, but I cannot control how the other loves me.  That way our security and confidence in our relationship does not depend on the other, but ultimately on ourselves (well ultimately on God because it is due to his perfect faithfulness in his covenant to me that I am freed to fully commit to another person).

I realise as I write that it is our confidence in God which not only allows us to have confidence in our own commitment to the other, but also confidence in the other’s commitment to us because that same Spirit is at work in him.  However, all this to say, that marriage is a secure and confident thing not primarily because it is a declaration of someone’s commitment to me, but rather it is primarily about my declaration of commitment to the other.  That’s what I want to be thinking about on my wedding day.  I want to look at AJ.Neill and know that no matter what comes our way on this day I have chosen by God’s grace to commit to love him for the rest of our lives.

(perhaps you might need to remind me of this somewhere down the line;-) )

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One Comment on “me to you, you to me?…”

  1. Nelly And I Says:

    bloody hell, i’m not signing up for that, when i said “marry me” I was only joking… [storms off to cancel wedding plans…]


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